


Like Broken Glass

by littlegraybunny



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, IPRE as Family - Freeform, Lucretia had a lot of guilt on her plate for twelve years and she Has Not dealt with it, Lucretia-centric angst, Post-Canon, Team Sleepover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 21:18:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13726167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlegraybunny/pseuds/littlegraybunny
Summary: Lucretia thought that she had estimated how hard it would be to live with her decisions. Somehow, it has all turned out both worse and better than she ever could have expected.





	Like Broken Glass

**Author's Note:**

  * For [75hearts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/75hearts/gifts).



> This is a Secret Santa fic for Kit and Sofia! I heard you wanted Lucretia angst ;) This is truly my first time writing with Lucretia's voice, and it was such a cool experience to delve into her pathos and figure out what she might be thinking post-canon and what her family means to her now. I'm honestly so grateful to have gotten such an awesome secret santa, and to have had the opportunity to write this fic for you!! I hope you both like it ;v;
> 
> Title is a reference to "Broken Glass" by Sia, which I kept in mind as a mood when I was writing this fic.

The thing of it was: Lucretia thought she had planned for the loneliness. She had predicted it, measured it against the knowledge of what she had to do, weighed and quantified it carefully.

And she _had_ , she thought to herself. She hadn’t felt a pang during those ten long years that wasn’t part of the expected consequence, a small piece of the weight that it took to counterbalance the horrible thing they’d all done. Every time the boys looked at her without recognition in their eyes, every time Davenport struggled for words, every time she woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night weeping with fear for Lup and Barry, their inestimable loss almost too much to bear. _Almost._ She had predicted it all, had reckoned with it, and known that there was always the light at the end, the glimmering hope that one day it would be rectified, and this wonderful world protected from the Hunger.

But there was so much that she hadn’t contended with. _So much_ that she hadn’t estimated or planned for, that only came after. After the ending that she’d awaited, even after the inevitable feelings of betrayal from the people she loved most. A loneliness that she had never predicted, that lived deeper than she cared to look inside of her and ate away at her more voraciously than any interplanar monster.

It lived in the small pang that she felt whenever Taako lamented that he’d never gotten to meet Magnus’ wife. A woman Lucretia had even glimpsed in passing, and whose death was no small part of the leaden burden she wore on her shoulders.

It lived in the moments that she saw Barry tighten his grip on Lup, seemingly for no reason, his brow furrowed and his eyes far away in an unpleasant memory. In the way that Lup took his hand and squeezed.

It lived in the look on Merle’s face when he recounted his beach wedding to Davenport, the way Davenport gently asked for detail after detail, trying so hard to paint a picture in his head of the happy moments in his friend’s life that he’d unknowingly missed.

 

 

“Hell yeah, dude,” Lup said, punching Magnus’ arm with little a one-two one-two that seemed to barely tickle him. “Team sleepover! I mean, minus Cap, of course. He’s laying out on a beach surrounded by babes feeding him strawberries or something.”

Barry snorted, laughing at the image.

“I think Merle’s out with his kids this weekend,” Magnus said, turning to gently punch his fists into the soft cups of Lup’s raised hands, like boxing pads.

“Aw,” Lup pouted. “Well, okay. Partial-team sleepover.”

“Luc, you in?” Barry said, looking at her with such an open smile that her heart ached.

“I wouldn’t want to impose myself,” she said. “You all should have fun.”

Lup rolled her eyes. She was doing that at Lucretia often lately. “Luc, honey. I said team sleepover. Last I checked you’re still on the team. Okay? You’re totally invited.”

She either didn’t understand—which Lucretia doubted—or she did, and she was braving the potential awkwardness to help Lucretia feel included. It was very Lup to intentionally brush past the delicacy of a situation, and Lucretia felt herself being drawn into the joyful simplicity of the idea.

Maybe she _could_ spend time with them, like it was the old days. Like she hadn’t so terribly transgressed against them all. Like she hadn’t taken Magnus’ and Taako’s and Merle’s minds, torn Lup and Barry apart, held Barry at arms length. Maybe it could be that easy, and she could just have a fun night with all of them. Her family.

Taako walked back into the room with snacks, elegantly arranged on a serving plate. He’d finally started cooking again, and it brought Lucretia such joy. He sat down with his arm pressed to Lup’s, smiling as she took a handful of hors d’eouvres and began to munch them. She was watching Lucretia with eager eyes, and Lucretia knew she was waiting for an answer.

“I suppose,” Lucretia finally said. “It’ll be fun.”

Lup grinned, and again Lucretia felt that foolish hope, the naïve thought that it would be normal, and good, like it had once been.

“Oh, your sleepover thing?” Taako said, disaffected. “Dunno if I can make it, creampuff. Date night and all that.”

“Aw, Taako! Come on…”

Lucretia wasn’t a fool. Even though she had never been terribly good at reading people, and even though he’d built walls between them to keep her out, she had known Taako for more than a century, and she knew how to see through his careful mask. She saw the way his eyes flickered to her but didn’t quite meet her gaze. Looking at her shoulder and then away. Knowing she would see the truth in his eyes if they met.

He didn’t want to spend time with her, pretending it was the old days. He had been skirting around her for months now, and Lucretia knew why. She understood, and frankly she was surprised she hadn’t suffered worse by his hand for what she’d done to him. He hadn’t threatened her since that horrible moment on the moon base, hadn’t spoken a cross word to her. But she knew how he felt. Taako didn’t deign to pretend for her sake.

Lup argued with him for a moment in a fierce whisper, but it was clear she hadn’t swayed him, and after a tense stare-down between the siblings, the subject was dropped. Lucretia didn’t want Lup to fight him for her anyway. The last thing she needed to do was cause another rift between the twins. Her gut told her to back out of the sleepover, let Taako be with them where he belonged. She’d lost her place amongst them the day she decided to drop her first journal into Fisher’s tank. But Barry changed the subject before she could speak up, and Lup was smiling at her so warmly… like it wasn’t her fault that Taako had removed himself from their plans.

She’d make it up to Lup and the others somehow. She’d beg out and let Taako take her place if she could. It was the least she could do for them.

 

 

Without knowing how, Lucretia found herself at Lup and Barry’s front door the night of the gathering. She’d tried to beg out, to call Taako and let him know that she wouldn’t take his place, but he’d been avoiding her calls, or too busy to pick up. Even asking Ren to give him the message had borne no fruit.

She stood in front of her friends’ heavy oak front door, a bottle of wine in her hand, and tried to chase away the feeling that she should never have come. Lup wouldn’t have lied to her about the group wanting her to be included, but even so, Lucretia couldn’t help but feel like an intruder.

Barry was the one to open the door, and his face broke into a smile as soon as he saw her. “You made it!” he said exuberantly, and for a moment Lucretia was warm and unbothered. “Come on in—Lup’s gonna be happy you brought wine. We’ve been through a bottle already.”

Johann was the next to greet her, galloping up with an enthusiasm that only a dog could muster, though he stopped just short of her to gently press against her legs and look up at her pleadingly for pets. She obliged, scratching behind his ears, and at his master’s whistle he trotted off satisfied.

The others had gotten comfy in the living room waiting for her—Magnus took up practically the whole couch, draped in blankets, while Lup sat cross-legged in front of the coffee table, which was piled high with snacks and hors d'oeuvres of all kinds. They both let out a cheer when they saw Lucretia come in, and Magnus immediately made room on the couch for her.

Lup, as promised, spotted the bottle in Lucretia’s hands and grinned. “Luc,” she purred, getting up from the carpet and coming to give Lucretia a kiss on the cheek. “This is why you’re my favorite.”

“Yeah, forget your husband _and_ your brother!” Magnus giggled from the couch.

Lucretia smiled warmly, put at ease by Lup’s air of calm and confidence. “Glad to be of service,” she said, and finally took Magnus’ waved invitation of the space remaining on the couch. The moment she sat, he threw half his blankets over her lap.

“So,” Barry said, sitting down in his chair across from them with a huff. “How’s the Bureau?”

“Doing well,” she said, watching Lup uncork the wine and pour herself most of the bottle. “We just received a cooperative grant from the Miller Institute to begin piloting our Public Works Improvement Program in New Phandalin. We should break ground on the new town hall in the next couple of months.”

“That’s awesome, Luc,” Lup said, and her face was so warm with sincerity that for a moment, Lucretia’s stomach twisted. Receiving praise for the Bureau’s good deeds had always made her slightly uncomfortable--she felt the Bureau’s help was only a drop in the bucket compared to the hurt she had nearly caused in her single-minded fervor to collect the relics.

“Let us know if you need extra hands,” Lup continued, and Lucretia was knocked from her spiraling thoughts. “I know you have plenty of manpower in the Bureau, but Bear and I would be happy to help out if we can.”

Barry nodded in agreement with a smile, so warm and unbothered. Happy to help. Her stomach twisted.

“You don’t have to,” Lucretia said after a moment. “I’m sure you have more than enough on your plate, working for the Raven Queen.”

Lup waved her off, making a face. “Nah. Anything for a friend, right?”

Lucretia nodded, smiling.

 _Traitor, traitor, traitor,_ her mind whispered.

 

 

Lup had pulled out all the stops for dinner. A huge bowl of spaghetti with homemade meatballs, two footlong loaves of garlic bread dripping in butter, a warm salad full of pomegranate seeds and walnuts, and an enormous platter of fresh brownies and ice cream.

“Comfort foods only, for team sleepovers,” she said, as Magnus gleefully helped himself to a dozen meatballs and half a loaf of garlic bread.

The food was undeniably delicious, but Lucretia couldn’t shelve the discomfort in her gut that she’d felt all evening, and she half-heartedly pushed her spaghetti around on her plate, nibbling at her meatballs. She’d been so good at this, once upon a time. Even with Davenport by her side, a constant reminder of her treachery; even with the boys at the Bureau, talking to her as a stranger; she had never let herself dwell on these things too long. There had always been a mission, a next step, another piece of her plan to focus on to distract herself from thoughts of what she’d done. But now, with her friends all around her seemingly oblivious to her crimes, it was all she could think about.

She snuck some of her meatballs to Johann, but even with half of them gone, Barry still looked at her plate with a concerned furrow in his brow as he cleared it.

While Barry did the dishes, Lup and Magnus set about rearranging the living room furniture, pushing the couch back and spreading blankets and pillows on the floor. They were going to have a big, cuddly movie night if Lup had anything to say about it--and she, in fact, did. She groused playfully about not getting quality cuddle time with her buddies, while Lucretia stood awkwardly by and watched.

“And for you, Lucretia dear,” Lup said, triumphantly unfolding an enormous cushion she’d retrieved from another room. “A cushion mattress. I know you’re not as spry as the rest of us, and I didn’t want you sleeping on a hard floor.” She spread it on the carpet next to the piles of blankets, lovingly arranging a pillow and comforter on top.

“Lup, you shouldn’t have,” Lucretia said, her gut roiling painfully.

Lup straightened, her cheeks a little pink, and Magnus looked at Lucretia with a shy smile. “It’s--we know you’re not old, Lucretia,” he said quickly. “But, y’know, Merle mentioned you’ve been going to him for arthritis, so Lup didn’t want--”

Lucretia shook her head, sighing. “It’s not that,” she said. “You just… you didn’t have to go to so much trouble. I could have slept on the floor.”

Lup smiled, relieved that her efforts hadn’t been construed as an insult, and stepped over the blanket mountain to take Lucretia’s hand and squeeze gently. “I know you could have,” she said. “But I wanted you to be as comfortable as possible. No sense in giving you a relaxing weekend where you don’t get to sleep. The Director of the B.O.B. deserves a vacation. A real vacation.”

 _I don’t_ deserve _anything,_ Lucretia thought, frustrated. _Especially not all of this._

“What about you?” she asked. Lup smiled, shrugging.

“I slept mostly on cold dirt for the first twenty years of my life,” she said easily, and Lucretia had known that, of course she’d known, but it only made her feel worse. “The floor is nothing. Barry will take the couch, because he’s a monster who actually thinks it’s comfortable.”

“Hey,” Barry said from the doorway, smiling as he dried his hands with a dishtowel. “I resemble that remark.”

“You shouldn’t have done this,” Lucretia whispered, her heart feeling like a dying star inside her, heavy and collapsing.

Lup’s face was soft and sad, but she was smiling. “Luc, honey,” she hummed, putting her hand on Lucretia’s arm. “It’s just a padded mattress--”

“ _All_ of this,” Lucretia said, her breath catching. “Taako should be here instead of me. This is all too much.”

“Lucretia,” Barry said, his tone gently admonishing. “We want you here. Taako didn’t want to be here, and that’s his business. You don’t have to feel guilty about that.”

“Why not?” Lucretia demanded, her tone suddenly hot. “It’s my fault. It all is.”

“Hey,” Magnus said, a furrow in his brow. “Lucretia, we told you we forgave you for all that.”

“ _Why?!_ ” Lucretia cried, her hands grabbing at her hair in frustration. “Why did you all forgive me? I--I can’t understand… the things I did…”

Her throat closed as she spoke, choking her until her words died, and the ensuing silence threatened to crush her into dust. She closed her eyes, unable to bear their pitying, conflicted expressions, and clasped her hands in front of her, feeling them tremble faintly. Someone shuffled closer to her, and she didn’t look up to see who it was, but it was Magnus’ unmistakable bear paw that came to rest on her shoulder, warm and heavy and comforting.

“Lucretia,” he said, his voice achingly soft. “We’ve been together for a century. We’ve been through so much. You took our memories away, sure--but it was for a reason. We know you weren’t trying to hurt us.”

“The things you went through,” Lucretia moaned, her cheekbones aching with the threat of tears. “The things _I_ put you through, Magnus…”

Another warm hand landed on her shoulder, and Barry was there, smiling at her tenderly. “You went through a lot too, Lucretia,” he said. “You saved the world all alone for twelve years.”

“I guess it just feels silly to hem and haw over who did what to who when we’re all here now,” Magnus continued. “We saved the world. You saved the world, Lucretia. It wasn’t easy, but this—“ he gestured to the others, their smiling faces full of kindness and love. “This is what matters.”

Lucretia trembled, Magnus’ hand her only anchor. “But Taako—“ she whispered.

“Taako will get there someday,” Lup said, firm in her confidence. “He’s a master grudge-holder, but none of this has changed the fact that he loves you too, honey. He just needs some time with his anger.”

Her tears were hot and she wiped them away quickly in her shame, suddenly wanting to be out from under their gazes. Magnus stepped close enough to whisper to her ‘do you need a hug?’ and she just reached for him, unable to nod. In a moment she was in his arms, disappearing into his embrace, and all at once her grief was pouring out of her. The others moved closer as she wept, Lup’s and Barry’s arms encircling her and Magnus, as Magnus murmured to her that _everything’s okay, we forgive you, we love you._

It took her a long time to come down, and the three of them were patient as she cried, their warmth anchoring her and helping her breathe. When Lup finally pulled away, it was with a soft kiss to her head and a gentle hand at her back. “Boys,” she hummed. “Get this lady a big, soft blanket, STAT.”

Lucretia laughed wetly, rubbing her aching eyes and letting Magnus lead her over to the couch, picking up as many blankets as he could carry on his free arm. When he sat her down, she was buried under a pile of them, and soon Lup’s weight was pressing against her other side, her soft curls brushing against Lucretia’s cheek.

“Guys,” Lup sighed, a grin in her voice. “Our little Luc saved the whole universe.”

“She sure did,” Magnus said, his arm squeezing around her waist gently.

Lucretia didn’t deserve them, she knew she didn’t. She’d spent so long alone, having accepted the consequences of her choice, knowing that she would be content as long as they were safe. She never could have imagined having them back in her life, having their love after all she’d done. She’d been taking them for granted, questioning them, and she knew that she could let it go now. She could let them forgive her, she could stop fighting.

“Thank you all,” she murmured, the inside of her mind quiet for the first time in longer than she could remember. “Thank you for forgiving me.”

Magnus leaned his head over until it was resting against hers, and even without looking she could tell he was smiling.

“Of course, Lucretia. Anytime.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This was my first finished and posted fic in about 5 years, and I really appreciate the encouragement I've gotten from the TAZ Discord <3


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